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Biggest Asshole in the World: The Silly Goose at Artifax in Philadelphia


I occasionally smoke Djarum cigarettes, and so does my girlfriend. I used to go to a little shop in Northeast Philadelphia called Artifax for them. But unfortunately, after discovering the world’s biggest asshole is currently in their employ, I will no longer be patronizing their establishment.

First of all, I’ll be 30 this week. I’m 6 feet tall, about 175 pounds, and I have a 5 o’clock shadow an hour after I shave. Now, he says I look under 26 so he needed to see my ID. That’s fine, that’s his prerogative, it’s a bit of a douche thing to do since I’m clearly over 18, but it’s fine… IF I were trying to buy cigarettes. The thing is, I wasn’t. Read on…

I wasn’t even paying for the cigarettes, my (over 18 year old) girlfriend was. I mentioned the Djarum Specials, and she asked for them and was paying for them with her credit card, and she had her ID. But simply because I happened to be there with her and I mentioned them, this absurd douche turns to me and says, in possibly the most annoying voice I’ve heard all year “Well, since you look under 26, I’ll have to be seeing your ID too“. The problem was, I didn’t have my wallet on me. So I said, “I’ll be 30 in three days. You know… I come here all the time, you’ve seen my ID before, and if you haven’t, that guy over there has. Don’t you remember me? Plus, I’m not even the one buying the cigarettes.

He said none of that mattered. He also said he’d sell her another brand of cigarettes, but not the ones I mentioned, since they could possibly be for me. Let me restate that, since it’s so amazingly idiotic that it almost defies belief: He said he would sell her anything EXCEPT the brand of cigarette that I mentioned to her. I asked if she could ever buy that brand again… could she come back on her own and buy them? If not now, then when? An hour? A day? What’s the time limit? Or is it just an arbitrary bullshit nonsense rule that you just made up, you silly goose?

But the silly goose had no answer to my questions, he just decided that today was the day he wanted to flex his very limited authority and force his will on another person for no apparent reason. This hipster waste and lord master of the head shop decided that today, he makes the rules.
Even though he was smoking weed in the back. I saw him with my own eyes. I will testify to that effect in a court of law. Isn’t that against the law?

Whatever, I’ll never go back to Artifax. Never. And it’s all because of him. The store is miles out of my way and everything in there is overpriced, but I shopped there for so long because I liked the store. I liked the people. Do you know how many stores in Philadelphia have Djarums and rolling papers? All of them, that’s how many. Every corner store in the city has them. Artifax sole reason for staying in business is customer loyalty. Well done cultivating your only asset, jackass.

Here is the phone number for Artifax in case you want to call them for whatever reason – 215-331-0306. Ask for silly goose.

Most importantly, here is a partial list of stores in Philadelphia that are better than Artifax:

Better than Artifax:

Smokin Joes Tobacco Shop
901 Levick St
Philadelphia, PA 19135
(215) 333-7095
This shop is actually very close to Artifax, so if you live in that area, I strongly recommend Smokin Joes instead. They’re actually a much larger shop and it’s where we went after they refused to serve us at Artifax.

2037 Walnut St
Philadelphia 19103
(215) 561-1071‎

Jerry’s General
600 E Allegheny Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19134
(215) 634-1204‎

Avril 50
3406 Sansom St
Philadelphia, PA 19104
(215) 222-6108‎

Every Other Store in the City
Any address
Just walk right in
Dial ANY number…
You’ll be better off.